You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
