When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You left your phone here
Wait...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
