Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
