My liver just broke up with me...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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