I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
