So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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