happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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