Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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