i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize