cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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