yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think i got beer on your cat.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
