We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
