Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
