you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
