I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
