Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
