I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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