my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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