why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
