Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
