I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My cat gives me a boner
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
