Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
