My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
