just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
