I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
