theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize