Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we're making bets on your personal life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
