You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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