We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
