So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
