This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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