Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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