Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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