So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
