this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
