Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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