I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
