i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
