just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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