Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
