If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My pussy is not your playground.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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