There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
