Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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