This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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