i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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