i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
