If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
