You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
