Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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