One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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