I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
