I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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