life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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