and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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