I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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