I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
