You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
