hotel room ftw
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
