No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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